Bitter-Sweet

Well, it's officially been 5 months since my last blog. It's not that I have forgotten about my blog, I just feel like there haven't been events significant enough to warrant a blog. I guess that's the beauty of a blog though, there doesn't have to be an occasion. Tonight I'm feeling word-savvy and I have several thoughts on my mind, so here i sit. There are two main themes that keep going through my head. I guess I"m not entirely sure yet how they come together, but perhaps they will.

I know most people express the feeling of being "blessed" over the month of December. We all have the happy-go-lucky joyous feeling going on. I mean honestly, who wouldn't? You walk into any store and you're greeted with smiling sales reps and Clay Aiken singing The First Noel. Don't get me wrong, do I feel blessed? Absolutely. But I'm just as blessed in January as I am in December. I am blessed that I have a family who loves me. Blessed that i can go to work every morning and be excited about my job. Blessed that I have wonderful friendships. Blessed that I have simple things like food and running water. I guess the thing that I have been feeling the most blessed for this year is health. I know that may seem silly to some, but in my profession, I go home every day counting health as a blessing.

This month seemed to be the month of cancer. For anyone who has been through Chemotherapy, I applaud you. Allow me to be frank, Chemo is a bitch. To think that a person goes through all of that time and time again, and then the end result becomes death? Righteous anger. I think my childhood illusion to cancer was that it only happens to old people. Illusion is the correct term. It happens to you at 10, 16, 27, 31. Even the strongest of fighters can be defeated by this disease and it sickens me. Today I sat and held the hand of a man gasping for air. Cancer that had metastasized to his lungs was now robbing him of the oxygen keeping him alive. No amount of reassuring him of the love of Jesus erased the terrified look in his eyes. He was suffocating to death and there was nothing that any of us could do.

As we move into a new year, we tend to set goals we never meet and complain about the extra five pounds we gained over the month of December. My goal this year? Stop complaining about the five pounds. Remember the memories surrounding the five pounds. The laughter, the intimacy, the moments that will live on. Remember those times because all too quickly they can become the last ones.

This picture was taken in November and I love how silly and candid it is. We were pretending to be gangster... well, Josh and I were. :)

Strengths...

A dear friend of mine made a comment this last week about living in your strengths. It was a brief conversation but I keep having that recurring thought, "Am I living in my strengths?" So by now, I've lived 21 years of life, and I'm working towards my 22nd year. I've accepted that in comparison to most, I do not know much about life, but I think there are a few things that I would say I'm passionate about.
I'm passionate about people. Though I occasionally loathe big groups, I thrive in conversations and connecting with new people.I'm passionate about being a nurse. I know, I know, I haven't been at it very long... but here's the deal, i LOVE going to work. I may complain about the long hours from time to time, but truth be known, I come alive at work.
I'm passionate about Children and Youth. Children are a beautiful picture of the kind of faith that we as adults frequently have lost. They may be small, but I believe with all my heart that they can make a difference. Youth ignites me because that's where I first started loving Jesus. I want to encourage young girls that THERE IS beauty in purity and blessing in waiting. I want them to know that no matter what kind of earthly father they have, they have an Eternal Father who loves them with an unending, non-discriminatory, unconditional love.
I'm passionate about missions. Missions was as much for me as it was for the people we touched. Perhaps that seems self-centered to you, but I believe I would not be here today if it were not for missions. God gave me a glimpse of His heart for people and it was the first time that the reality of God's love for each person, individually, across the globe, became a reality. Not a collective, "God loves all people." No, "God love EACH person." He loves them where they are at, geographically, socioeconomically, relationally. He loves them regardless as to what ethnicity, sex, sins, or any other barrier that may seem too great.
Lastly, I'm passionate about serving. I'm not entirely sure at what point this became evident, but I love the idea of serving people and being able to bear their burdens for and with them. Jesus says, "Whatever you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me." Thus, when we are serving each other, we are serving the King. Love that concept.
Where does this leave me? No idea. I'm excited to see where God takes me and what's next after my last 24 months and thirteen days with Uncle Sam.

The Condition

Well, this week marks my second week at Fort Lewis. I'd love to say that I have some earth-shattering news or that something giant is going on, however, the the things happening in my life at the present time are mostly happening in my heart. I have recently diagnosed myself with Conditional Servant's Heart Disease. I refer to it as a disease because if it is not properly cured, it will take over my life and eventually kill me. I suppose the title is somewhat self-explanatory, but I will attempt to share in detail.
Several years ago I read most of the book entitled the Five Love Languages. I determined that I am probably high up there on the Acts of Service. I enjoy doing things for people, especially if I can do it and they never have to know how it got done. When people have made time for me in the past, it has always been a tremendous testimony to me and i have always wanted to be able to serve people in the same way. Having said that, i have recently come to the epiphany that I do this conditionally. "Conditionally" meaning when I am at a place in my life where I am happy and excited to be there and it is under my circumstances. Jesus says that "Whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done unto me." In essence, every act of service that you or I conduct, is being done unto the Lord. I mean, I realize that that sounds like the most Christianese/cliche' statement, but the implication of that information hit me this week in such a real way. Just as grace is given out freely and love is unconditional, so also must be my service. I want to serve people with the kind of love that Jesus has, I want to sacrifice my time with a joyful heart, I want to bequeath grace with ease.

"Let Us Acknowledge the Lord;.... As Surely As the Sun Rises, He WILL Appear."
Hosea 6:3

Unpacking... repacking... life...

Well, it seems like just when I think I have my life planned out, I get a curve ball. First in coming to Georgia, and now having to leave Georgia. I may or may not have spent the entire first month in Georgia loathing it's very existence. I was just reminiscing a few days ago how I spent my entire Independence Day in my room feeling sorry for myself while listening to the fireworks outside my window. Yet slowly, surely, almost without my knowledge, I have come to love this place I once despised. Yes, I occasionally still get annoyance in my heart when I walk outside and I am instantly dripping with sweat. I still can't figure out how one day my car can be immaculate and the next day the skies have snowed pollen down on it. Or how it can be completely sunny one minute, pour down rain for five minutes, and then back to sunny skies without missing a beat? These things are mysterious to me and although I'm sure I'll never know the "why" or "how," hopefully I'll get another opportunity to bask in their mystery.

For a small town girl who knew only rain, the heart of the South has taught me a thing or two. My dad has always told me, "Jess, Slow down! Annunciate your words!" Well, it turns out, people talk even slower over here... or I have started talking faster. Sometimes I think I can get ten of my thoughts out to their one. (Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration.) I have learned an entire vocabulary of ebonics. I have learned that sometimes slower is better. Most of all, I have learned that it really doesn't matter where God places you, because even when I think I have my life planned out just they way it should be, His plan is always better than mine. Even now, in the midst of a roller-coaster of emotions, I have to believe that His plan is best.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
July of last year I would have told anyone who asked that I had no desire to be here, this was the LAST place I wanted to be. I had absolutely no knowledge or faith that the desire of my heart could actually become the place that God took me. Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen over night. In fact, it took me months to finally realize that I needed to "unpack" my life - emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Although it makes moving ten times harder on my heart, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends here and regardless as to whether or not we get to share life again, I will always cherish the memories and their influence lives on in my life.
"Eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, the mind cannot conceive what God has planned for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I'm a nurse!

Yes, despite feeling like an absolute failure after taking my NCLEX, I found out last week that I did in fact pass! I'm a nurse! Yay!!!

NCLEX... shoot me in the face...

Well, today was the magical day. Today I went and faced my doom. I took my little self, full of all kinds of nervous energy to One Tenth Street. There is where my fate lies. Perhaps all things should not be accounted for under the "fate" category, but after taking this test, I think there is no rhyme or reason to why people pass or fail. I think there is a little angry man with wirey glasses on sitting behind some computer laughing at the poor nursing students who think they actually can beat his test. He probably just clicks "pass" or "fail" depending on his mood. Ugh. Lame. Anyway, needless to say, I walked out wondering why I had gone to school for the last year and a half and why nobody taught me about 90% of the daggone drugs on that test!!! Never in my life have I had the experience where a computer made me feel like the epitome of dog doo doo. Just sayin'...
Well, welcome back to the world of blogging, Jess.

Study, study study...

I thought I should add a disclaimer to my blog to let you know where my time is currently being spent. You see, I have spent the past year working up to this moment in my life where I have finally qualified to take the NCLEX (nursing board test) for my LPN license. Thus, I am not about to fail it by not studying... Therefore, until I take my test I will probably not be on here... unless I am extremely inspired and I have something dire to tell cyber space.

It still amazes me that this whole Army training thing is so close to being over. After two years, I will finally be able to join the "real" army. Ahh, no more TRADOC!!! (If you're not military, you probably won't understand what that term means, but to all my Army folks, you understand.)

After I am done with school I will be staying here in Georgia (as of right now... orders are always subject to change) to finish out the remaining two years on my contract. Crazy! It's been a love-hate relationship, but I'm learning to appreciate it. One day at a time, one test at a time, I'm finally at my last one!

Marathon anyone?

I promise I'm not here to try and bore you to death with analogies or make a Jesus Parallel out of every situation, which is why I put off writing this post for a good four months. All that to say, I'm going to do it anyway...

Wednesday morning at the crack of dawn (wait, "dawn" means there's light out... okay, before dawn...), I was running in formation and I started reminiscing on my marathon. For those of you who don't know, my father and I ran a marathon in December. It was his fifth and my first. Running the marathon was one of the things on my "bucket list," so I guess I'm a step closer to death. If you have never ran a race before, they are amazing. It really doesn't matter where your ability level is when there are 2,000+ people. There will inevitably be someone faster than you and someone slower than you. The feeling is so amazing when you are standing there in the bitter cold morning watching the world wake up, anticipating the shot to be fired, and waiting for the "Go!" to be announced. Familiar jitters capture my body and the excitement drives my determination. The realization that I'm not in this alone, makes it so much more appealing. It may be a "race" but it certainly is one filled with encouragement and the unspoken knowledge that we are all hoping to see the person beside us finishing strong in a few hours.
I'm sure you can guess how i draw my "spiritual parallel" from this event. I write this as much for myself as I do for those of you who take a minute to read it. My dad told me that every mile that I got to that I had not ran yet, I needed to do a dance. (Before the marathon of 26.2 miles, the furthest that I had ran was 18 miles.) It sounds silly and juvenile, yet it gave me something to look forward to and a strange motivation to get to the next mile. I can't even explain to you how much I respect my father. Don't get me wrong, I respected him before the marathon, but running with him opened up a whole new avenue of respect. He earned my respect in an "athlete" kind of way. I wanted to run fast in the beginning and he kept warning me that I needed to hold a steady pace and it would give me a good foundation for the rest of the race. He was so right. Especially at mile 22. Dang, I was finished but he just kept on keeping on at his steady pace.

What if I lived out my walk for Christ with the same principles that I ran the marathon? What if every time I got to a new place with Him, I stopped to reflect and do a little dance? Sometimes I wonder if I really grasp the idea that Jesus Christ is running the race next to me, If I really understand that he is keeping my steady pace for me so that I won't burn out before the finish line. My Heavenly Father is singing my cadence and keeping me in step. I so badly want that "good and faithful servant" at the end of my Marathon, so for now, I will keep on keeping on. One day at a time, One mile at a time, One step at a time.

Colon Finale/Change your life

"I hate my job." "I'm too fat." "I need to go on a diet." "I wish I could change this, I wish I could change that." How many freaking times a day do we hear people saying crap like this? ALL stinkin' day. There IS a beautiful thing to being a human being, we can change at any time we want. Yes, at ANY time. How about if you look in the mirror for twenty minutes every morning and try on fifteen different outfits just to see which one can hide your Whopper from last night best, maybe you should re-think eating it. Don't get me wrong, if you like some pudge, more power to you, I'm simply speaking to those that whine about it all day. I have a suggestion, take your pie-hole, stuff some fresh vegetables in it and spend that $10 bucks a day that you spend on fast food on a gym membership. Come on people, is it really that hard??? If you hate your job and you find yourself complaining about your boss all day, chances are, he doesn't really like you either, so go find yourself a new job where you can actually take pride in what you do. Angry because you didn't get a pay raise this year? Well, your boss is still angry because he has to pay 50% more in taxes (thanks Mr. President.) and still pay your whining A star star. Nobody cares about your complaints except for the guy next to you at work who wants to complain too. Get off your lazy gluteus maximus, own up to your own choices, and change your way of life.


Colon Cleanser:
I know you all are dying to know how my colon is doing. It's doing just great! The final outcome of my ten day excursion was quite lovely. I feel amazing, lost 15.8lbs, and am a healthier me! The first few days sucked, but after the hunger pangs go away it's easier to say no to things. I started to crave the concoction instead of dread it. My stomach has definitely shrank. I ate two strawberries and half a banana and I thought I was going to explode. Getting back into eating is definitely something that needs to be done slowly. Overall, I highly recommend this if you're looking to clean out your insides. It was well worth the sacrifice.

Colon Cleanser...

Yes, I have embarked upon the unspeakable journey of eating only one thing for ten days. I suppose it sounds crazy to many people, but rumor has it the feeling after doing a colon cleanser is well worth the sacrifice. The particular colon cleanser that I chose to do is the Lemonade Master Cleanser. Dang doesn't that just sound so professional? It's actually really simple; 1/2 lemon, 2TBSP Grade B Organic Maple Syrup, 1/10 tsp Cayenne Pepper, 12 oz Purified Water. That's it. Drink that bad boy 6-12 times a day along with as much water as you want. (No, you cannot eat!) I'm currently on day 6. Only 4 more to go! I was going to post a picture of my, ahem, waste product, but I decided some people might get offended... although, this is MY blog, so I'm not sure why I'm worried about other people... Anyway, back to the story, I know you all are dying to know whether I've been having diarrhea for 6 days. Nope. I sure haven't. Although, just in the last day, I've started seeing the toxins/oils pass. Yes, I know you are probably grossed out by now, but what I'm trying to get across here is that this really does work. I will refrain from going any deeper, but if you should desire to know more, I will be more than happy to tell you all the nitty gritty details. 8+) Days one and two were the most difficult to get through, after that it's pretty smooth sailing minus the fact that you often have to sit and watch people eat real food. At first the concoction was hard for me to choke down, now I actually crave it. In fact, I think I'm going to get a glass right now...

A Year in Eternity...

Yesterday marked one year since Jared died. It's funny how we think of a year as 365 days... or five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes. What does one year feel like in heaven? Time is such a weird concept. I am so structured around it, that the thought of not having it blows my mind. No, literally, if I think about it too hard, I'm pretty sure I would get a headache. I suppose that's the beauty of it. I wonder what it must be like to worship Jesus. I wonder what music sounds like in Heaven. I think everyone probably sings on key and harmonizes without fault. The drummer is always on beat and the pianist never misses a note. When I think about not seeing Jareba for the rest of my life, it makes my heart ache. However, something tells me that by the time we get to heaven, it'll be like we've never been apart. My tears are only a selfish desire to have my friend again, for he is dancing with Jesus!

Alive in Christ.

Mr. OCD

I was pretty sure this story deserved to not only be documented but also blogged. Therefore I present to you: OCD Guy.
Well, there I was minding my own pea-picking business on a small aircraft headed for South Carolina. Mind you, this is one of those amazing air crafts they decided to invent with only four seats across, and seventeen back, just to insure you feel the ride. I was pretty proud of myself for having a rather uneventful/boring travel home until this episode. United Airlines so graciously gave me the seat I requested against the window. (I like the idea of leaning against an aircraft rather than being that annoying person who awkwardly falls asleep on a stranger's shoulder.) I sat down and prepared for my next nap. Now, I must update you that at this point in time I had had a cold off and on for the last three weeks and was still suffering mildly from a cough. A nice looking man in his late twenties/early thirties sat down beside me. I coughed a couple of times. (I was careful to turn my head towards the window and stuff my face in my shirt sleeve so as not to spread my germs.) I think I coughed twice MAYBE three times and the gentleman next to me started to pointedly shift away from me and lean into the aisle. I found it slightly odd so I thought I'd strike up a conversation to avoid the awkwardness. Unfortunately, he didn't want to engage in any formalities and he made it clear by turning away and ignoring my 'hello'. What happened next is still baffling in my mind. He reached into his bag and pulled out a SURGICAL MASK, donned it, looked at me, made EYE CONTACT, and turned back to the aisle. I was like, "Dang, anything else?!?" I knew that this was my opportunity of a lifetime and that I must have proof of this amazing moment. Thus, the picture was taken discretely as I pretended to text on my phone and snapped this photograph of Mr. OCD.
I guess in retrospect I can't blame him as I was diagnosed with strep throat and the flu a couple days later. In fact, maybe he's psychic and saw into the future. Hmm....