So my new years resolution with this blog was to write a new blog every month. Although, I don't think I actually told anyone that because I don't exactly believe in the term "new years resolution" but in my mind, that was my goal for the year. I've thought about blogging so much since my last post. There were several stories that brought me to this very spot where I started pecking away at a few keys. The only reason that stopped me from posting said blogs were that everything I blogged about seemed to be about death or dying. Here's my conclusion to that dilemma, I'm going to blog anyway. This year as a nurse, my reality has been death. My title at work as been "the Angel of Death" but I like to refer to it as "The Angel of Mercy." Seems a little less harsh on the ears. For whatever reason, I am coming to accept that God has given me favor with patients that are stepping into eternity.

This last week I had three patients pass away. One each day that I worked. (For anyone who is just reading this, please note that I work on a Medical/Oncology floor and that these patients, unless otherwise specified, were on End of Life care, they did not have a cardiac arrest or "Code Blue.") Since I started working at Madigan last June, I have had 23 patients pass away. Each one is different. Each patient passes away in their own way. Each family reacts differently from the next. I'm not sure there is any way to "get good" at being a nurse taking care of End of Life patients.

This month I was reminiscing on the past year and thinking about the different family members, friends and coworkers of these patients. There are some patients you just cannot forget. (Some you wish you could forget...) There is a handful of people whose stories will continue to live on. Memories of children weeping over their dead mother's body haunt me in my dreams. Their faces are so real, so tangible, I feel that I can still reach out a hand and touch them, put an arm around their bodies riveting from sobs. I see mothers crying over the bodies of their young sons. I see fathers, once tough and calloused, brought to their knees. I wonder if there is something I could have done differently, something I could have said to ease the pain, but in my heart I know there was nothing to be done.

The Family members become your extended patients and suddenly you go from having one patient to 6 patients. There is nothing more humbling, nothing more draining, nothing more saddening than standing by a husband or wife and showing them how to let their spouse go.

I always thought the kids were the hardest ones to watch when a patient is passing away. Their small world is crashing around them as they know it. This week I realized something - More than watching a small child cry, more than watching a mother or father weep at a bedside, more than watching a husband of 50 years hold his wife's hand as her heart of gold stops, above all of these heart wrenching scenarios is the moment when there is no one there. He came in as a train wreck and I overheard the physicians say they would be surprised if he even made it out of the ICU before he passed. He made it. Barely, but he made it. He came to our floor in the same train wreck condition, was listed as a "DNR/DNI" (Do not resuscitate/Do not intubate) and added to our growing list of "End of Life" patients. What I was expecting to meet, and what I did meet, were completely opposite. I was anticipating a patient that was unresponsive, I got a patient that was alert and oriented. Due to his condition and Diagnosis, making out the words he was saying became my mission. It was obvious that there were things he needed to say, and things he needed to be heard. One morning it took me almost six hours to figure out what he was saying. After many frustrating attempts to communicate, I decoded that he had some parts that were at Tyson Motors getting fixed and he would like me to call and tell them that he was sorry he didn't pick them up on Monday like he had told them he would do. I actually found it quite admirable. I learned that he hates country music with a passion and lives to hear classical. I learned he had an estranged daughter. I kept waiting for a family member to come to his side. A son, a daughter, a wife... but there was no one. He told me no one would be coming unless his neighbor stopped by. He was right. Spare from a neighbor stopping by, he was alone. Alone and dying. Dying yet still too aware of his surroundings to turn off his mind.

The last time I visited this patient in the hospice house that he had been taken to, the nurses told me he had been unresponsive since he'd been there. I went in to his room and I heard some ungodly country music playing from his radio at his bedside. I started laughing and I said, "Well no wonder they say you're unresponsive, Mr. Blank, they're playing the devil's music for you. Let's find you some classical." A small smile spread across his face and he simply said, "You're back."

It seems the more I see the end of life, the more I treasure the beginning of life. Each time I watch a patient pass away, I get to see the people that are surrounding them and the legacies they leave behind. It gives me hope and passion to live a life worthy of being mentioned. It makes me want to cherish the good times and forget about the bad. It makes me forget about tomorrow and relish in today. To capture the sun and dance in the rain. It makes me appreciate the little things, look forward to the larger things, and believe for the supernatural things.

The Privilege

I feel like the things I write about have a continuing theme of depressing. I don't mean this blog to be emo or depressing, but to simply share my point of view on death an dying.
This week I had another two patients pass away. I should start by telling you, they were expected to die... As in, they were on "comfort care" with DNR/DNI orders. Just don't want you all thinking I go around killing my patients! A fellow co-worker said something in passing that I started to ponder. She said, "Lambert I don't know how you deal with all that (waving her hand towards my patient's door who had just passed away.)"
I started thinking a lot about what she said and asked myself why it seems so natural? I think it all depends on your point of view. For me, the act of holding someone's hand as they step from this world into eternity, is a privilege. In many cases, the fear of dying is so great it's actually what keeps the patient alive longer. If you're reading this blog, you probably already know where I stand as far as my belief in Jesus and the reality of Heaven and Hell. No matter what someone believes before they encounter death, they will undoubtedly call upon Jesus in their last moments. There is always an opportunity to share the love that our Savior offers.
When I came on shift at 1900, I noticed that my patient was particularly odorous and I decided to make it my goal that night to give him the bed bath of a lifetime. :) Myself and another co-worker bathed said patient, put lotion on him, shaved him, scrubbed his hair and brushed his gums. This particular patient had been unresponsive for the past 4 days. After I finished bathing him, I was telling him how his wife wasn't even going to know who this spiffy young fella was lying in his bed in the morning. He turned to me, opened his eyes and shared the briefest smile with me before going back to his rough breathing. About 45 minutes later when we checked on him, he had passed away.
Most of the time I am able to stay emotionally detached, but this particular night warranted a single tear. I could go home from work that day knowing that I had done my job well and that knowledge was invaluable. To be able to give someone who is passing away their dignity back, regardless of how brief it may be, that is what it's all about.
So yes, it is an honor. Maybe giving someone a bath before they pass or performing post-mortem care isn't a glorified job, but it is dignified. Holding the hand of someone, It is a privilege.

Reality.

I thought about entitling this blog "Life's a Bitch" or "Life sucks sometimes" or "Some things just aren't fair." They all still seem fitting, but in an attempt to not be completely mellow-dramatic, I'll come up with something lighter. Yesterday I spent the day with a good friend of mine. It wasn't a 'going to the park' day or a walk in the forest, it was simply sitting there. Sitting and just being there. Nothing about yesterday seemed fair. Not the pain, not the hopelessness, not the sadness, the lack of sleep, the dozen invasive devices. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say I don't question the reasonings of things sometimes. Maybe that's the beauty of our relationship with Jesus. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, but to be real. So as I drove home last night, I was real. I cried and asked him why. I think I must have asked it at least a few dozen times. Maybe I don't have to understand his reasoning or timing, maybe I just have to believe in the "bigger" perspective. The last two years seem to be a constant attempt to see the "bigger." Can we call life out for what it is sometimes? Shit. Sometimes life is just shitty and unfair. Death seems so final sometimes.

I opened up my computer this morning and I was greeted with the desktop photo of the sunset on the Oregon coast last weekend. The sun will still rise every morning. We will still get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other. Each morning we will get dressed and remind ourselves to keep breathing. And eventually, eventually we won't have to remind ourselves to breathe anymore. Mountain tops or valleys, He is faithful even when I can't always feel Him. "And the Pain of the World is a burden, And it's my cross to bear, I stumble under all the weight, I know you're Simon standing there, I KNOW you're standing there." (Caedmon's Call lyrics - Love Alone)
Maybe the beauty is in the reality. The Reality that this is temporary and Jesus is eternal. Pain, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, it's temporary. The Love of Jesus is real and everlasting. So today I am choosing to cling to the reality of the Eternal.

Well, today is January 12th... and I'm officially writing in 2010. What's this blog going to be about? I have no idea. That's what's so exciting about this whole blogging business. You don't have to have a massive event occur before you can write. :) Happy. To be honest, I'm using my blog as my outlet for me tonight. I'm sitting here on CQ (Charge of Quarters... if you don't know what that means, don't worry about it... it's pretty lame anyway) watching people walk in and out of the barracks. What does this job entail? Two things: One, don't let the giant building made out of strictly bricks, burn down. And Two, don't let any pedophile come into the building. It's pretty serious stuff. I do have this awesome nasty 80 year-old-widow-smoker's-cough right now, so most people run away when I start coughing... It works out well. Anyway, I have been checking things off of my lists all night. I'm doing well so far. Yesterday I wrote a list of lists. My list of lists contained 8 lists. I wrote six of those categories on my whiteboard and wrote the list of things to be done under each one. One thing I have learned lately - I cannot function without lists. I am a list guru. I live and die by lists. In fact, I think I shall write a list of things that need to be done in the event that I die. Funerals are so much easier if they're already planned out. Okay, I'm way off-topic now. Wait, I have no topic. Beautiful. Oh, right, back to the "outlet"... what I meant was, I am involved in way too much right now. I guess that's good because it keeps me out of trouble. I was thinking in October how I needed to get more involved in things... and now I'm overly involved and committed to way too much. Tonight I have successfully written my budget, finished the cleaning roster for the next six weeks, balanced my checkbooks, finished a spread sheet, and caught up on facebook gossip.
I mean, let's be real, that's pretty much what a Facebook Newsfeed is... everyone putting their business out there for the world to read. Speaking of Status Updates, it always cracks me up when people write just enough to keep you wondering exactly what they're talking about. I know you all know who I'm talking about... those Facebookers who are just desperate for someone to ask them what they're referring to so they have a reason to write another three paragraphs about their lust lives... ahem, I mean, love lives. Oh, and then there's the "over the hill" population... they have the tendency to think you actually WANT to know what happened in EVERY moment of their day. Their SU are so long you have to click the "read more..." hyperlink to see the small novel they have written about going to the grocery store. Yes, you're laughing now because you can just picture exactly what I mean. There's always a handful of people who only put a verse are their SU. Don't get me wrong, I ain't tryinta hate on no Jesus talk, but it's a STATUS UPDATE... Meh, whatev. All of this to say, I caught up on the small novels of the grocery store, the lust... ahem, love lives, and the daily verses tonight. I feel very informed, thank you Facebook.



Well, I'd love to stay and play a bit longer, but the need to cross something off one of my lists is just overwhelming me. Unfortunately "Write a blog entry" was not on any of my lists, so this doesn't count for anything. However, maybe I could write it in just so I can cross it off and feel that sense of accomplishment... ;)

Bitter-Sweet

Well, it's officially been 5 months since my last blog. It's not that I have forgotten about my blog, I just feel like there haven't been events significant enough to warrant a blog. I guess that's the beauty of a blog though, there doesn't have to be an occasion. Tonight I'm feeling word-savvy and I have several thoughts on my mind, so here i sit. There are two main themes that keep going through my head. I guess I"m not entirely sure yet how they come together, but perhaps they will.

I know most people express the feeling of being "blessed" over the month of December. We all have the happy-go-lucky joyous feeling going on. I mean honestly, who wouldn't? You walk into any store and you're greeted with smiling sales reps and Clay Aiken singing The First Noel. Don't get me wrong, do I feel blessed? Absolutely. But I'm just as blessed in January as I am in December. I am blessed that I have a family who loves me. Blessed that i can go to work every morning and be excited about my job. Blessed that I have wonderful friendships. Blessed that I have simple things like food and running water. I guess the thing that I have been feeling the most blessed for this year is health. I know that may seem silly to some, but in my profession, I go home every day counting health as a blessing.

This month seemed to be the month of cancer. For anyone who has been through Chemotherapy, I applaud you. Allow me to be frank, Chemo is a bitch. To think that a person goes through all of that time and time again, and then the end result becomes death? Righteous anger. I think my childhood illusion to cancer was that it only happens to old people. Illusion is the correct term. It happens to you at 10, 16, 27, 31. Even the strongest of fighters can be defeated by this disease and it sickens me. Today I sat and held the hand of a man gasping for air. Cancer that had metastasized to his lungs was now robbing him of the oxygen keeping him alive. No amount of reassuring him of the love of Jesus erased the terrified look in his eyes. He was suffocating to death and there was nothing that any of us could do.

As we move into a new year, we tend to set goals we never meet and complain about the extra five pounds we gained over the month of December. My goal this year? Stop complaining about the five pounds. Remember the memories surrounding the five pounds. The laughter, the intimacy, the moments that will live on. Remember those times because all too quickly they can become the last ones.

This picture was taken in November and I love how silly and candid it is. We were pretending to be gangster... well, Josh and I were. :)

Strengths...

A dear friend of mine made a comment this last week about living in your strengths. It was a brief conversation but I keep having that recurring thought, "Am I living in my strengths?" So by now, I've lived 21 years of life, and I'm working towards my 22nd year. I've accepted that in comparison to most, I do not know much about life, but I think there are a few things that I would say I'm passionate about.
I'm passionate about people. Though I occasionally loathe big groups, I thrive in conversations and connecting with new people.I'm passionate about being a nurse. I know, I know, I haven't been at it very long... but here's the deal, i LOVE going to work. I may complain about the long hours from time to time, but truth be known, I come alive at work.
I'm passionate about Children and Youth. Children are a beautiful picture of the kind of faith that we as adults frequently have lost. They may be small, but I believe with all my heart that they can make a difference. Youth ignites me because that's where I first started loving Jesus. I want to encourage young girls that THERE IS beauty in purity and blessing in waiting. I want them to know that no matter what kind of earthly father they have, they have an Eternal Father who loves them with an unending, non-discriminatory, unconditional love.
I'm passionate about missions. Missions was as much for me as it was for the people we touched. Perhaps that seems self-centered to you, but I believe I would not be here today if it were not for missions. God gave me a glimpse of His heart for people and it was the first time that the reality of God's love for each person, individually, across the globe, became a reality. Not a collective, "God loves all people." No, "God love EACH person." He loves them where they are at, geographically, socioeconomically, relationally. He loves them regardless as to what ethnicity, sex, sins, or any other barrier that may seem too great.
Lastly, I'm passionate about serving. I'm not entirely sure at what point this became evident, but I love the idea of serving people and being able to bear their burdens for and with them. Jesus says, "Whatever you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me." Thus, when we are serving each other, we are serving the King. Love that concept.
Where does this leave me? No idea. I'm excited to see where God takes me and what's next after my last 24 months and thirteen days with Uncle Sam.

The Condition

Well, this week marks my second week at Fort Lewis. I'd love to say that I have some earth-shattering news or that something giant is going on, however, the the things happening in my life at the present time are mostly happening in my heart. I have recently diagnosed myself with Conditional Servant's Heart Disease. I refer to it as a disease because if it is not properly cured, it will take over my life and eventually kill me. I suppose the title is somewhat self-explanatory, but I will attempt to share in detail.
Several years ago I read most of the book entitled the Five Love Languages. I determined that I am probably high up there on the Acts of Service. I enjoy doing things for people, especially if I can do it and they never have to know how it got done. When people have made time for me in the past, it has always been a tremendous testimony to me and i have always wanted to be able to serve people in the same way. Having said that, i have recently come to the epiphany that I do this conditionally. "Conditionally" meaning when I am at a place in my life where I am happy and excited to be there and it is under my circumstances. Jesus says that "Whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done unto me." In essence, every act of service that you or I conduct, is being done unto the Lord. I mean, I realize that that sounds like the most Christianese/cliche' statement, but the implication of that information hit me this week in such a real way. Just as grace is given out freely and love is unconditional, so also must be my service. I want to serve people with the kind of love that Jesus has, I want to sacrifice my time with a joyful heart, I want to bequeath grace with ease.

"Let Us Acknowledge the Lord;.... As Surely As the Sun Rises, He WILL Appear."
Hosea 6:3