Just one of those nights...

Sometimes when I'm thinking over my day I can formulate blurbs that I think are "blog worthy." They very rarely actually make it to a blog. Well, they very rarely make it to a public blog. They always make the ever-growing mental blog! Lately I feel like the candidates have been less humorous and more heartbreaking. Don't get me wrong, there's still the occasional crazy person like last week's chart- topper... suicidal crazy lady whom i asked if she wanted her meds. She flung off all clothing and blankets, turned and yelled "F*** You B****" while simultaneously giving me not one, but TWO birdies, spreading her legs and peeing at me. You either laugh or cry...

When the shift ends and the night turns dark, the ones that keep you up at night and haunt your dreams are the ones you can do nothing about. The teenage girl who can't stop shooting up. Pregnant. Homeless. Prostitute. Something in her voice is just so child-like - as if you can hear the innocence that was lost so many years ago crying out. A mere child, yet one who is living a life far harsher than one should ever see. The reality of the street life is met with the cold, hard, unforgiving face of addiction and she is so lost in the midst of it but I can feel her soul begging for help. Everything within me wants to hug her, to reach out, to tell her everything will be okay, to tell her of a God who loves her and can see the true person she so desperately wants to be beneath the layers of pain, heartache, and wrong choices. 

Then there are those who choose to take their own lives. At what point you reach the conclusion that you cannot take this life any more is beyond me. I honestly don't comprehend the thought. I've heard it explained as the deepest type of self-absorption. A person is so self-involved that they cannot see how their actions will affect those around them - nor do they care. When I said I honestly don't comprehend it, I meant that - I have no biblical or philosophical idea here. I do however feel it is becoming much more prevalent among our culture. The pain caused by a death like this I daresay is more than most. The unanswered questions leave a scar far deeper. The guilt of the ones left behind asking what they could have done differently, could have said differently, haunts us in the dark of the night. 

At the end of the day, at the end of the shift, at the end of each week we are left with choices. We choose the hope that drives us. We choose the truth to cling to. We choose the love that heals us. One day at a time, one shift at a time, one week at a time. 

"You, O LORD, will not withhold Your compassion from me; Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me." 

Psalm 40:11

Matters of the Heart...

You know how many times I've read Ephesians 2:8-9? Well, let's be honest, they're Awana verses which is probably why they're imbedded in my brain. I am pretty sure I don't remember the last time I read the verses leading up to those though. I suppose the concept of this is probably a given to the rest of you, but to me the simplicity of this passage was both convicting and humbling.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ, and raised us up with Him..."

I guess the part that always amazes me about the God we serve is that he's not a God about tomorrow. He's not a God about getting it done later. He's not a God wishing for us to clean up our act. The kind of God we serve is the God that meets us in the midst of our sin and believes in us to be changed through Him. He looks at us with X-ray vision seeing us how he made us to be and loving us despite our actions.

I think if I were to be completely honest, my current job allows me to easily take root in the self-righteous state. It's easy to forget where we've come from or just how sinful we are. When you compare yourself to a murderer or child molester, suddenly you start patting yourself on the back, giving yourself one more 'attaboy'. The truth is, we are all one poor choice away from being on the opposite side of those bars.

I think if we had a prison for hearts, a lot more of us would find ourselves behind bars. Sure you might not be in the local county jail in the physical form, but how much more dangerous is the imprisonment of our hearts? A dead heart has forgotten what it truly means to love. When we start to dissect the grace of God, we see that it is directly fueled by love, as are all of the actions of God. My goal today is to remember the grace in my life so that I can in turn be the grace and love in the lives of others.

"For by GRACE you have been saved..."

I love her.

Sometimes there are those people who you call family, and they're just that, family, but not exactly the person you'd want to spend your Friday night with. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I'd spend any day with her.  I am constantly reminded how rare it is to have a family that you not only love, but also love to spend time with.

Here are a few reasons I am thankful for and admire my favorite sister...

1.) She brought her 9month pregnant self up to Tacoma to help me move and reorganize my whole house. (And might I just add she was a BEAST!)
2.) She just busted out a baby sans pain meds. (And looks hella good too!)
3.) She is one of the best moms I have ever known.
4.) She has more patience than I will ever dream of having.
5.) She loves her family with a selfless conviction.
6.) She can single-handedly - in the same 60 seconds - make me laugh hysterically and tick me off more than any person in the world.
7.) She is the only person I know who will cry with me just for crying and continue to chew her ice cream through the whole thing.
8.) She taught me that one of the greatest things in life is a good bowl of ice cream.
9.) This list could go on forever...

I've spent my life having the greatest role-model any little sister could ever ask for. Jules, you amaze me every day and I am so blessed to call you my sister, but even more to call you my best friend.

I love you!