Falcons Baby!!!

    Well, a lot has changed since I last wrote a blog... moved, married, new job. I'm a faithful blog reader with much blog envy. I read people's blogs and think, "Why don't I write anymore?"Quite frankly, there wasn't always exciting things to write about so I think that's what slowed my progress.
    If you're reading this, I'm sure you already know that David and I got married in August. It was the BEST. DAY. EVER. We haven't gotten our wedding pictures back yet, but when we do, I'll be sure to do a post on that. After the wedding day/week/month, we moved to Atlanta. (Buckhead to be specific) David's job was wanting him here and the timing just seemed right. It was a bitter-sweet move, but overall we're loving discovering the BIG city together... which brings me to my blog, Atlanta FALCONS!!!
    For David's wedding/birthday present, I gave him/us season tickets to the Falcons. I know, kind of a selfish gift, but he didn't mind!

The goofy face I love.

   

  Monday was our first official home game of the 2012 season. It was a LATE game. I don't know how people do the late nights and still function. The game started out 8:30 and we didn't get home until about 2AM. Yikes!!!!! 

Also new in my love life is my love for fantasy football. I had been asking David for a long time if I could be in one of his leagues... his answer was always the same, "no." (Yes, crushing my heart) Don't worry though, one of our friends from church was also struggling with the same husband issue that I was and she decided to form a girl's league. (Shout out to Becky!) 
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm proud to announce that I'm a member in my very own fantasy league. Take THAT, David! ;)
My QB is Matt Ryan (The Falcon's QB) and my opponent had Peyton Manning. This week, while the falcons were playing Denver in real life, I was also on the edge of my seat as our QBs whent head to head. STRESSFUL! Seriously, I don't know if anyone could have prepared me for how stressful FF is! We seriously went point for point the whole game until the end when Peyton threw a bunch of yards and I lost by THREE stinking points. 

    It was such a learning night for me. 1.) Falcons are a little ghetto. 2.) It's much more difficult to hear the refs calls in the stadium. 3.) The field is much bigger than it appears on tv. 4.) FF is even more intense when you're at the game.
    In preparation for the game, I was required to do some homework... I love my husband. There we were smashed on the MARTA (Subway) with 500 other Falcons fans and he's quizzing me on the RBs and TE.

All in All, it was a fantastic night with my best friend. Cannot WAIT for next week! 

 

Thankful

There are plenty of things I should be doing right now... studying being the top of the list. I do have a test in approximately three hours, but my sister has been, Ahem, hassling me of late to write a blog... I figured Valentine's was a good excuse to tell the world about my favorite man.

It's true, we haven't even been dating for four months yet. Maybe that will take away the sweetness of this for you, but not for me. To me, it's just perfect. I moved across the country and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, it was a bitter-sweet  move and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my sweet babies back in the NW, but it was right. The timing could not have been better. Everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - fell into place. From getting out of my lease, to starting school, to having a place to live. It's funny the things we worry about from day to day when the truth is God makes things happen.

Without further adieu, my top ten favorite things about this man...
1.) Loves God with all of his heart and LIVES in that everyday.
2.) Loves his family unconditionally.

3.) Constantly striving for excellence in all that he does. Not in a prideful way, just that everything he does, he does it at 110%. From disc golf to work ethic, excellency. :)
4.) True to his word. Face value. No facade.
5.) Walks in humility.
6.) RIDICULOUSLY competitive. Trash talks like there's no tomorrow.
7.) Selfless. Always putting others before himself.
8.) Generous.
9.) Chivalrous. Opening car doors, paying for things... just good 'ol southern hospitality :)
10.) Gentle, sweet, caring, quick to listen and slow to speak.
11.) Reliable friend and confidant.
12.) Excellent communicator.
13.) Lets me cry when I need to.
14.) Watches chick flicks with me. Even lets me fall asleep during movies.

15.) Is so goofy... just fun. We have so much fun together. Genuinely enjoy him.
16.) Makes me laugh more than I knew i could and makes me smile at just the thought of him.
17.) Has the BEST sense of humor.
18.) Oh, and definitely nice to look at. A fine specimen of God's divine beauty, if you will.

... sorry... got a little carried away... I guess it's my top 18 list! :)

So thankful for where we're at in life. So thankful for this wonderful man. I am one blessed girl. I keep asking myself, "How did I get so lucky?" Not sure I'll ever know the answer to that one, but I'll just keep thanking God for this amazing man each and every day.

Happy Valentine's Day!!! 

Just one of those nights...

Sometimes when I'm thinking over my day I can formulate blurbs that I think are "blog worthy." They very rarely actually make it to a blog. Well, they very rarely make it to a public blog. They always make the ever-growing mental blog! Lately I feel like the candidates have been less humorous and more heartbreaking. Don't get me wrong, there's still the occasional crazy person like last week's chart- topper... suicidal crazy lady whom i asked if she wanted her meds. She flung off all clothing and blankets, turned and yelled "F*** You B****" while simultaneously giving me not one, but TWO birdies, spreading her legs and peeing at me. You either laugh or cry...

When the shift ends and the night turns dark, the ones that keep you up at night and haunt your dreams are the ones you can do nothing about. The teenage girl who can't stop shooting up. Pregnant. Homeless. Prostitute. Something in her voice is just so child-like - as if you can hear the innocence that was lost so many years ago crying out. A mere child, yet one who is living a life far harsher than one should ever see. The reality of the street life is met with the cold, hard, unforgiving face of addiction and she is so lost in the midst of it but I can feel her soul begging for help. Everything within me wants to hug her, to reach out, to tell her everything will be okay, to tell her of a God who loves her and can see the true person she so desperately wants to be beneath the layers of pain, heartache, and wrong choices. 

Then there are those who choose to take their own lives. At what point you reach the conclusion that you cannot take this life any more is beyond me. I honestly don't comprehend the thought. I've heard it explained as the deepest type of self-absorption. A person is so self-involved that they cannot see how their actions will affect those around them - nor do they care. When I said I honestly don't comprehend it, I meant that - I have no biblical or philosophical idea here. I do however feel it is becoming much more prevalent among our culture. The pain caused by a death like this I daresay is more than most. The unanswered questions leave a scar far deeper. The guilt of the ones left behind asking what they could have done differently, could have said differently, haunts us in the dark of the night. 

At the end of the day, at the end of the shift, at the end of each week we are left with choices. We choose the hope that drives us. We choose the truth to cling to. We choose the love that heals us. One day at a time, one shift at a time, one week at a time. 

"You, O LORD, will not withhold Your compassion from me; Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me." 

Psalm 40:11

Matters of the Heart...

You know how many times I've read Ephesians 2:8-9? Well, let's be honest, they're Awana verses which is probably why they're imbedded in my brain. I am pretty sure I don't remember the last time I read the verses leading up to those though. I suppose the concept of this is probably a given to the rest of you, but to me the simplicity of this passage was both convicting and humbling.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ, and raised us up with Him..."

I guess the part that always amazes me about the God we serve is that he's not a God about tomorrow. He's not a God about getting it done later. He's not a God wishing for us to clean up our act. The kind of God we serve is the God that meets us in the midst of our sin and believes in us to be changed through Him. He looks at us with X-ray vision seeing us how he made us to be and loving us despite our actions.

I think if I were to be completely honest, my current job allows me to easily take root in the self-righteous state. It's easy to forget where we've come from or just how sinful we are. When you compare yourself to a murderer or child molester, suddenly you start patting yourself on the back, giving yourself one more 'attaboy'. The truth is, we are all one poor choice away from being on the opposite side of those bars.

I think if we had a prison for hearts, a lot more of us would find ourselves behind bars. Sure you might not be in the local county jail in the physical form, but how much more dangerous is the imprisonment of our hearts? A dead heart has forgotten what it truly means to love. When we start to dissect the grace of God, we see that it is directly fueled by love, as are all of the actions of God. My goal today is to remember the grace in my life so that I can in turn be the grace and love in the lives of others.

"For by GRACE you have been saved..."

I love her.

Sometimes there are those people who you call family, and they're just that, family, but not exactly the person you'd want to spend your Friday night with. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I'd spend any day with her.  I am constantly reminded how rare it is to have a family that you not only love, but also love to spend time with.

Here are a few reasons I am thankful for and admire my favorite sister...

1.) She brought her 9month pregnant self up to Tacoma to help me move and reorganize my whole house. (And might I just add she was a BEAST!)
2.) She just busted out a baby sans pain meds. (And looks hella good too!)
3.) She is one of the best moms I have ever known.
4.) She has more patience than I will ever dream of having.
5.) She loves her family with a selfless conviction.
6.) She can single-handedly - in the same 60 seconds - make me laugh hysterically and tick me off more than any person in the world.
7.) She is the only person I know who will cry with me just for crying and continue to chew her ice cream through the whole thing.
8.) She taught me that one of the greatest things in life is a good bowl of ice cream.
9.) This list could go on forever...

I've spent my life having the greatest role-model any little sister could ever ask for. Jules, you amaze me every day and I am so blessed to call you my sister, but even more to call you my best friend.

I love you!

So my new years resolution with this blog was to write a new blog every month. Although, I don't think I actually told anyone that because I don't exactly believe in the term "new years resolution" but in my mind, that was my goal for the year. I've thought about blogging so much since my last post. There were several stories that brought me to this very spot where I started pecking away at a few keys. The only reason that stopped me from posting said blogs were that everything I blogged about seemed to be about death or dying. Here's my conclusion to that dilemma, I'm going to blog anyway. This year as a nurse, my reality has been death. My title at work as been "the Angel of Death" but I like to refer to it as "The Angel of Mercy." Seems a little less harsh on the ears. For whatever reason, I am coming to accept that God has given me favor with patients that are stepping into eternity.

This last week I had three patients pass away. One each day that I worked. (For anyone who is just reading this, please note that I work on a Medical/Oncology floor and that these patients, unless otherwise specified, were on End of Life care, they did not have a cardiac arrest or "Code Blue.") Since I started working at Madigan last June, I have had 23 patients pass away. Each one is different. Each patient passes away in their own way. Each family reacts differently from the next. I'm not sure there is any way to "get good" at being a nurse taking care of End of Life patients.

This month I was reminiscing on the past year and thinking about the different family members, friends and coworkers of these patients. There are some patients you just cannot forget. (Some you wish you could forget...) There is a handful of people whose stories will continue to live on. Memories of children weeping over their dead mother's body haunt me in my dreams. Their faces are so real, so tangible, I feel that I can still reach out a hand and touch them, put an arm around their bodies riveting from sobs. I see mothers crying over the bodies of their young sons. I see fathers, once tough and calloused, brought to their knees. I wonder if there is something I could have done differently, something I could have said to ease the pain, but in my heart I know there was nothing to be done.

The Family members become your extended patients and suddenly you go from having one patient to 6 patients. There is nothing more humbling, nothing more draining, nothing more saddening than standing by a husband or wife and showing them how to let their spouse go.

I always thought the kids were the hardest ones to watch when a patient is passing away. Their small world is crashing around them as they know it. This week I realized something - More than watching a small child cry, more than watching a mother or father weep at a bedside, more than watching a husband of 50 years hold his wife's hand as her heart of gold stops, above all of these heart wrenching scenarios is the moment when there is no one there. He came in as a train wreck and I overheard the physicians say they would be surprised if he even made it out of the ICU before he passed. He made it. Barely, but he made it. He came to our floor in the same train wreck condition, was listed as a "DNR/DNI" (Do not resuscitate/Do not intubate) and added to our growing list of "End of Life" patients. What I was expecting to meet, and what I did meet, were completely opposite. I was anticipating a patient that was unresponsive, I got a patient that was alert and oriented. Due to his condition and Diagnosis, making out the words he was saying became my mission. It was obvious that there were things he needed to say, and things he needed to be heard. One morning it took me almost six hours to figure out what he was saying. After many frustrating attempts to communicate, I decoded that he had some parts that were at Tyson Motors getting fixed and he would like me to call and tell them that he was sorry he didn't pick them up on Monday like he had told them he would do. I actually found it quite admirable. I learned that he hates country music with a passion and lives to hear classical. I learned he had an estranged daughter. I kept waiting for a family member to come to his side. A son, a daughter, a wife... but there was no one. He told me no one would be coming unless his neighbor stopped by. He was right. Spare from a neighbor stopping by, he was alone. Alone and dying. Dying yet still too aware of his surroundings to turn off his mind.

The last time I visited this patient in the hospice house that he had been taken to, the nurses told me he had been unresponsive since he'd been there. I went in to his room and I heard some ungodly country music playing from his radio at his bedside. I started laughing and I said, "Well no wonder they say you're unresponsive, Mr. Blank, they're playing the devil's music for you. Let's find you some classical." A small smile spread across his face and he simply said, "You're back."

It seems the more I see the end of life, the more I treasure the beginning of life. Each time I watch a patient pass away, I get to see the people that are surrounding them and the legacies they leave behind. It gives me hope and passion to live a life worthy of being mentioned. It makes me want to cherish the good times and forget about the bad. It makes me forget about tomorrow and relish in today. To capture the sun and dance in the rain. It makes me appreciate the little things, look forward to the larger things, and believe for the supernatural things.

The Privilege

I feel like the things I write about have a continuing theme of depressing. I don't mean this blog to be emo or depressing, but to simply share my point of view on death an dying.
This week I had another two patients pass away. I should start by telling you, they were expected to die... As in, they were on "comfort care" with DNR/DNI orders. Just don't want you all thinking I go around killing my patients! A fellow co-worker said something in passing that I started to ponder. She said, "Lambert I don't know how you deal with all that (waving her hand towards my patient's door who had just passed away.)"
I started thinking a lot about what she said and asked myself why it seems so natural? I think it all depends on your point of view. For me, the act of holding someone's hand as they step from this world into eternity, is a privilege. In many cases, the fear of dying is so great it's actually what keeps the patient alive longer. If you're reading this blog, you probably already know where I stand as far as my belief in Jesus and the reality of Heaven and Hell. No matter what someone believes before they encounter death, they will undoubtedly call upon Jesus in their last moments. There is always an opportunity to share the love that our Savior offers.
When I came on shift at 1900, I noticed that my patient was particularly odorous and I decided to make it my goal that night to give him the bed bath of a lifetime. :) Myself and another co-worker bathed said patient, put lotion on him, shaved him, scrubbed his hair and brushed his gums. This particular patient had been unresponsive for the past 4 days. After I finished bathing him, I was telling him how his wife wasn't even going to know who this spiffy young fella was lying in his bed in the morning. He turned to me, opened his eyes and shared the briefest smile with me before going back to his rough breathing. About 45 minutes later when we checked on him, he had passed away.
Most of the time I am able to stay emotionally detached, but this particular night warranted a single tear. I could go home from work that day knowing that I had done my job well and that knowledge was invaluable. To be able to give someone who is passing away their dignity back, regardless of how brief it may be, that is what it's all about.
So yes, it is an honor. Maybe giving someone a bath before they pass or performing post-mortem care isn't a glorified job, but it is dignified. Holding the hand of someone, It is a privilege.